South Park Ficlet Collection I
by ChaosKirin
Summary: A collection of little ficlets based on the South Park universe. Many characters. Probably a little something for everyone.
1. Zap

It hurt in a way Cartman couldn't comprehend. And for that moment in time; that brief, insignificant blip that wouldn't even register on the radars of the universe; he understood. He and Kyle knew each other more than they'd ever really been able to grasp, and their antagonism fueled them, brought life to them both. Even if they couldn't stand each other right now, Cartman had a brief glimpse of the future as he looked at his technically dead companion. One day, they would be friends.

His lip trembled. It went beyond that stupid contract. Oh, sure, that agreement would have to be upheld on principle, but it wasn't the only reason Cartman had to save his friend. After all, anyone could perform the unspeakable – and somewhat embarrassing – acts that were outlined in the deal. But losing Kyle... Losing that constant source of conflict, that stability – Hell, Cartman would even say sometimes that Kyle served as the set of morals he never possessed – would be too much to bear.

"Zap him again!" Cartman shouted. "Do it!"


	2. Shell

Do you know what it's like to live inside of a shell?

No you don't.

You all have the capability to make your body do what you want it to do, to communicate with other people on their level, to fit in with every other kid in the world. But I don't. It's funny... My mind is really sharp, actually... I mean, I love the same stuff the other boys do – football, video games, Terrance and Phillip. And I want to reach out and tell them that, inside, I'm really just like them, but it's hard. I look in the mirror and see that I have two expressions. Insanely happy, or sad. That's it... I can't make my face do anything in between, so I can't even show them that there's someone inside that just wants to be treated like the others. When I talk, it's hard to say anything other than my name.

One day, a new kid joined scouts in South Park. His name was Jimmy. I hated him at first, because he could talk, and walk, and smile and laugh and roll his eyes and make expressions with his face and hands and everyone loved him.

But it was because of him that the others started to realize that there was more to me than just the mentally deficient wheelchair-bound prop that they all thought I was. They realized I could feel anger. They started looking at me differently. They didn't pity me... All because of Jimmy, they opened up to me. And I realized that the only reason they thought I was so stupid before is because that's the way I acted, because I didn't expect them to even try to understand.

Jimmy took the time to learn to understand me. Even just saying my name, he could read further into it. He became not only my translator, but my best friend. And you know? I think I'm kind of like a hermit crab, cuz I'm kinda stuck in my shell, but I can come out sometimes and show everyone who I really am. It's weird looking back now and remembering how I felt – that the other kids wouldn't just treat me like one of the guys. They do. And they don't even mind helping me sometimes when they know there's just certain things I can't do on my own. Like when I become the super hero Iron Maiden, they all help me get into my costume, because they want me with them. It's not a chore.

I'm writing to you because I see you doing the same thing I did. You're withdrawing, because you don't think they'll understand. But they will if you give them a chance. Just because you're different doesn't make you less of a person, and I hope that you'll embrace that.

With love,  
Tim


	3. Hamburgers!

My name's Butters. Well, it's... It's not really Butters, it's Leo. Leopold Stotch. But I guess all my friends thought Leopold was a ... Uh, I think Eric said it was 'gay' once or somethin', I dunno. That's not really the point, though.

This one time, my mom tried to kill me.

And I try to stay, you know, op- optis—Uh. I try to stay glad when I can, but this really had me down. And, see, I don't have a lot of friends, but so long as I surround myself with all the kids at school, well, by-golly, I can pretend I got friends! I think this is the first thing that really got to me, though, and I wasn't sure what to do about it, and no matter what I did, it always stuck in my mind, what with my dad bein' ... A little gay and my mom bein' a little crazy. A lot crazy. Oh, biscuits, if they saw me writin' this, they'd ground me! I thought keepin' a journal might be a good idea, but... Now I gotta think of a place to hide this thing where they won't find it, and this is starting to sound like more trouble than it's worth, gosh darn it!

I started writin' 'cuz somethin' happened today that I kind of want to remember. It wasn't anything big or nothin'. But when I got home from school today, I found this piece of paper folded in half in my math book. I didn't remember puttin' nothin' there, so I took it out and opened it and it said 'Hang in there, Dude.' And it was signed by Stan Marsh. And it had a little happy face drawn and it made me cry.

I cried 'cuz I was sad, I guess. But also 'cuz ... cuz someone took the time to try to make me feel okay, you know? And... I know Stan won't ever let the other guys know we're friends, but I guess it's fine with me just to know that... someone actually gives a damn. And I think ... I think now, everything's gonna be okay!

Oh, Jesus. I hope I don't get grounded for writing damn!

I WROTE IT AGAIN. HAMBURGERS!


	4. AWESOME-O

Afternoon, three o'clock.

There was a knock on the door. Butters instructed his robot pal to answer it, and he could see the strange looks in the eyes of his friends just before he asked, "Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?"

"Three boys named Stan, Kyle and Kenny," the robot replied.

"Aw, hey, fellas! I see you met my robot!" Butters said.

Stan proclaimed flatly that AWESOM-O was cool, and Butters told the boys about the slumber party they'd had the night before, before Butters commanded his robot to go get drinks for his friends.

Kyle and Stan eyed each other, and Kenny just kind of looked away. Meanwhile, Butters removed a small hand-held camera's video tape from his pocket, and held it out to them. "Fellas, I need a favor. And... Wul, I know I don't ask too much from ya, so if you could just do this one thing..." He looked back toward the kitchen.

"...Butters?" Kyle asked.

"I'm pretty tired of Eric messin' with me. I've about—I've about had it up to here," Butters stated, patting the underside of his chin with the back of his hand. "So this... Wul, I'm just waitin' for him to slip up, and he will, but in the meantime, I'm kinda going to... To, you know, mess with him a bit. But he's lookin' for this tape, and he can't find it."

Somewhat incredulously, the other boys looked among one another. It was Kenny who finally asked, "Dude, you know that's Cartman?"

Almost at the same time, Stan asked, "What's on the tape?"

"It's a surprise," Butters said. "But trust me. You keep that safe, and – Well, it'll be worth it, I promise. So, will ya?"

Kyle broke into a smile. "Definitely. But Butters... Why are you doing this?"

It was perhaps the most evil smirk the others had ever seen from him. "I trust you remember... Professor Chaos?" he asked. There was a pause, before he was back to his normal self. "I better go see what AWESOM-O's up to, huh? Be right back."

As Butters disappeared into the kitchen, Stan noted, "Dude. Butters might be my hero."

"Totally," Kenny agreed.

(A/N: Watch the episode again pretending that Butters knows that it's Eric in the costume. It's a lot more hilarious.)


	5. Flutter

Every time she saw him now, her heart fluttered, just a little. It was a strange feeling for her, especially considering who it was. Eric Cartman was the most disgusting, crude, horrid little fatass South Park had ever known, and she knew that it would never work between them. Hell, it would never work between Cartman and ANYONE, considering rumours going around the school that he was born with a disease that made him incapable of love.

Even so, sometimes, when no one was looking, she would give a little wave to him in the hall, and sometimes, if he saw it and his friends weren't looking, he's smile at her and wave back. Then, other times, someone would see them looking at each other, and they'd be forced to have words. Or punches on a few awkward occasions.

Maybe one day, he'd grow up. He'd grow up and stop being such a turd, Shelley thought wistfully, offering him a shy smile as he walked past her in the library.


	6. DNA

There existed a limit wherein Craig Tucker could flip off the councilor and get away with it relatively unpunished. Unfortunately for Mackey, being suspended didn't really faze Craig, nor did anything else, really. And the object was for the fourth grade student to learn a lesson about what and what was not appropriate in school.

Doubtlessly, Craig knew what he shouldn't do – namely, giving people the middle finger – but he continued to do it anyway, which he obviously learned at home, and his parents really seemed to have no problem at all with it.

Mackey could have had Craig write about why flipping the bird was inappropriate, but he decided, instead, to have him present a report to South Park Elementary's first grade class, in front of his sister, which would possibly embarrass him into refraining from inappropriate behavior. It also had the added bonus of demonstrating that if he continued with his current trend, he would be forced – as punishment – to research a subject thoroughly in order to speak about it in front of an audience.

Mr. Mackey randomly drew the subject of Craig's presentation from a hat. DNA.

After a week of allowing his student to prepare, Mackey was pleasantly surprised that Craig had not only written the report, but purchased a poster of DNA to use as a visual aid for the class. And as he taped it up to the chalkboard in the front of the first grade classroom, Mackey sat in the back to wait. He would be sitting in to ensure compliance and appropriateness.

After a couple minutes, Craig cleared his throat, and tapped the image of DNA with a dowel. "This," he started, "is Deoxyribonucleic Acid, also known as DNA. It's inside all of you."

A good start.

Craig tapped the image again. Blank-faced, he continued. "You are going to die from this. In fact, this is the leading cause of death in the whole universe. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to cure DNA, as it's hereditary, passed down from your parents to you. This is deadly, and it cannot be stopped."

Before the shocked councilor could intervene, Craig concluded, "In the words of Jonathan Coulton, 'all the good things and bad that you do or don't have, you can find out for sure if you got 'em. But there's a spiraling staircase that you're falling down, and you're nothing but dead at the bottom."

Without taking his poster, Craig sauntered out of the classroom. Stunned, Mackey couldn't even move until one of the kids started crying, followed shortly by the others. Despite his intent to go after Craig and reprimand him for saying such horrible things to impressionable children, he was forced to run damage control for the entire class – and then for the angry parents who called him later.

It wasn't until the weekend that he realized that Craig had found a way to flip him off without actually flipping him off. He was also forced to admit that the little asshole was a god-damned genius.


	7. Fun With Cthulhu

I AM THE MOST POWERFUL CREATURE IN THE UNIVERSE. MY NAME IS CTHULHU. I AM A DESTROYER OF WORLDS. I AM THE DARK LORD. ENTIRE DIMENSIONS BOW BEFORE MY POWER.

AND HERE BEFORE ME IS A CHILD DRESSED UP IN AN ANIMAL COSTUME. I REALIZE THAT HE IS MORE HORRIBLE THAN I. THIS SHOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE, AND YET HERE IS THE EVIDENCE BEFORE ME. I WILL NOT BELIEVE IT. I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. SO I WALK AWAY.

BUT THE CHILD. HE FINDS ME AGAIN AND I SENSE WITHIN HIM A DARKNESS THAT CANNOT BE TAMED. I HAVE NO FRIENDS TO DESTROY, BECAUSE FRIENDSHIP IS A FOREIGN CONCEPT TO ME. BUT THIS SIMPLE HUMAN CHILD HAS FRIENDS THAT HE WISHES TO SEND INTO OBLIVION FOR ALL OF TIME. I SAY TO MYSELF THAT I STILL WILL NOT BELIEVE IT, BUT THE CHILD IS SMILING AT ME, APPEALING TO ME WITH A DARKNESS THAT HE DOES NOT EVEN REALIZE HE POSSESSES.

I LET HIM LIVE.

FOR HIM, FOR HIS DARKNESS, FOR THE BLACK SOUL THAT DWELLS UNDER LAYERS OF FAT, I WILL DESTROY IN HIS NAME. I WILL DESTROY HIPPIES. I WILL DESTROY MUSICIANS. I WILL DESTROY HEALTH FOOD DEPOSITORIES.

UNTIL I GET BORED. THEN I WILL EAT HIM AND HIS DEATH WILL BE SWIFT AND PAINLESS.


	8. My Name is Craig Tucker

My name is Craig Tucker.

Sometimes people ask me why I am how I am. Mostly Eric Cartman asks me that, because he's annoying and fat. I don't know what they mean when they ask me that, so one day I asked my friend, Clyde, to explain.

I said to Clyde, "I'm just me. No one asks you why you are how you are."

And then I paused and said, "Sometimes I ask you why you cry like a little girl. But that's different."

I remember that he looked uncomfortable. But Clyde is my best friend, so I knew he would tell me what I wanted to know. He told me that I'm very honest and blunt and straightforward and that I don't hold stuff back. He said that I "tell it like it is."

And so I started paying attention more to what I said, compared to what other people said, and decided that he was right. But I think I know why.

When I was born, I was very sick. I had heart problems. I almost died. I know I almost died, because my parents would say to me, "Craig, you almost died." And when I had surgery, I knew it was going to hurt a whole lot because they said, "Craig, this is going to hurt a whole lot." And then they said to me, "Craig, you're going to be okay. The doctors are going to make you better," and I believed them because they'd never lied to me before.

My parents are very honest and they tell it like it is, and so I am the same way. And I think that the world needs at least one person like me in each generation to remind his friends that sometimes they are morons. I say to them, "Guys, you are morons."

And I think, deep down, they believe me, because I've never lied to them before.


	9. Never Before

Kenny McCormick had died more times than he cared to remember, but it never really got any easier. He understood quite clearly that he had nothing to fear from death, that its finality had no hold on him like it did for other people, and that after the hurt and torment, he'd just wake up back in his bed, safe and sound. But the pain grated on him, wearing him down every time it happened, because even an instant death wasn't entirely instant. Despite the immediate nature of a death via bullet through the skull, it was still a traumatic, excruciating thing to have to deal with.

On some level, despite his pleading and carrying on, Kenny still gave thanks that it was him that the criminals had chosen first. At least if he died, he'd be back tomorrow, despite the fact that no one would care about his ordeal. But he couldn't help the fact that he was shaking like a leaf as the hostage-taker held the pistol to his head. Why did they have to come to Pioneer Village? Why now?

The terror built until he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"SOMEBODY FUCKING SAVE ME."

Already he could feel the bullet tearing through him, knowing the pain like an old friend. How many times was this now? Seventy? A hundred? Two hundred? When would the pain become dead numbness instead of this over-powering terror that he was forced to experience every time it found him? Just this once, he prayed. Just this ONE TIME...

"Howdy, thar, Strangers!"

For just a brief moment, Stan's eyes met his. And with that simple glance, the pain vanished. The barrel of the pistol still pressed against the hood of his parka, but the situation instantly fell to less dire. His friend didn't smile, but the confidence and determination were quite clear on Stan's face, and with some impressive thinking, he was able to get the code that the thieves were after. He was then able to provide enough of a distraction so that the police could infiltrate the village and get the entire class out.

Kenny, shaking even more than he had been with a firearm against his temple, lowered himself to the street curb as the police questioned some of the other kids, as well as the employees of Pioneer Village who'd stuck around after closing time. It wasn't long before Kyle sat down next to him.

"Uh..." Kyle asked. "Kenny? Are you okay? We're all worried about you. Well, me an' Stan are. Cartman's, you know, unconscious. Kenny?"

He paused, leaning forward just enough so he could meet Kenny's eyes. For some reason, Kenny couldn't stop crying. He wanted to, but the tears just kept coming.

"Ken? Are you okay?"

"Just..." He sniffled. "N—never had my life saved before." The realization came suddenly and powerfully. No one ever took the time to actually save him. It was almost more painful than dying, but it was a good sort of pain... The kind where all the preconceptions you've formed about the fact that people just don't care come crashing down on top of you.

"Yeah, well, most people don't end up in those situations." Kyle smiled, patting his shoulder gently.

Kenny shook his head. "You don't understand, dude."

"I know." Kyle sighed and bowed his head. "They're SO gonna rip on me for this tomorrow, but..." He leaned over and wrapped his arms around Kenny for a couple moments. "I'm really glad Stan saved you, Kenny. I mean, seriously." He nodded at the bodybags that were being pulled from the village. "Those bastards."

As Kyle stood up and walked off to check on Butters, Kenny couldn't help a chuckle.


End file.
